I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
