There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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