Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
