Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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