The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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