i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
