I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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