Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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