Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
