My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
