i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
