so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
