If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
