Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
