I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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