end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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