I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
