When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
