have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
