i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
