That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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