I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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