Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize