Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
