I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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