i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
