We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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