Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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