How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found puke in my bra..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
