Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize