I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think your dad took our porno
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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