im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
