I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
