my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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