So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
