well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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