Im at strip club and am horny
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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