Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
