i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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