somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
