Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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