I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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