had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
