They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
