i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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