My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
