i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
