I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize