filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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