Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
