I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize