you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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