Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
