who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like death gave me a hand job
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
