I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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