About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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