someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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